After getting married, my wife and I set off to travel Europe for our honey years before COVID hits. And since then, Iāve started to name each year with a theme that summarizes that year. 2020, the year we got back was āthe anchorā. Last year was what I called āa foundationā. And this year, I call it āin motionā. So yeah, in motion, not only because Iām launching my app. But itās because Iām taking a step forward, as me, as Thomi. The sensitive guy that focuses a lot on āemotionā.
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My whole journey inward since childhood was about discovering and rediscovering. And this first step, maybe is about gratitude and forgiveness, the 2 hardest things for me to make peace with.
Recently, I had a cold fight with my wife. On a good day, I would apologize to her right away and try to comfort her because we donāt like to have tension for so long and be in a bad mood. But I didnāt do that. I didnāt want to lower my pride where men have to be the ones to reach out to the women. But itās actually not that, I just donāt want to be at fault. What if I reached out and she got angry that I didnāt go to her. I was afraid to have the courage to step forward as me, but what if she doesnāt accept my identity and I end up in pain?
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Forgiveness is not just an apology you say to another person, itās also something you say to yourself. itās about forgiving myself that I didnāt have the bravery to reach out. I had my own fears and insecurity because Iām afraid of how I would react to my partnerās reaction.
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During these 3 hours, I decided to go back to my journal and read about my own thoughts in the past. I came across a short summary of a day on December 22nd where it reads the title āQuestion the annoyedā. It was about my wife being angry and annoyed about everything and about me. And my reaction to that was by being light and playfully mimicking her, made her laugh. And my conclusion for it was that, I donāt get angry anymore, instead, I question the annoyed. Meaning, instead of reacting with anger, I react with curiosity. That helps to change the tone and atmosphere to lower your own tension and help bridge the gap between the two of us.
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What made it special was, after reading my own simple conclusion, I calmed myself down. I lowered my āprideā that is so unwillingly to go down just because I donāt want to be at fault. I was able to think back on that moment in time, I chose love and kindness over anything else. I was proud of myself. This spark of inspiration from the past helps me in my present to give perspective. I was able to let go of my anger, fear, and insecurity and choose bravery to move forward.
So, after a couple of minutes of really letting it marinate, I checked to see if my wife had her earphones on. Seeing it was good timing, I approached her from the back as she sat down on her computer. I hugged her while rubbing her left arm and told her Iām sorry. Just that, āIām sorryā and nothing else. I didnāt say for what, just that and being sincere and vulnerable, but at the same time brave and protective of her feelings.
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The focus on forgiving myself turned to asking for forgiveness and being grateful. She was in agony during the tension between us. She really felt hurt that she feels like she is not good enough or undeserving of my care. I was truly hurting her in those 3 hours so I could āfindā perspective, calm myself down, and lower my guard.
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At that moment as Iām hugging her, I understand what reaching out means. To see her in such pain and agony on her self-worth because of my pride and fear is not worth it. So, next time there is tension between us, I give myself 30 seconds to find perspective and calm myself down and reach out back to her. Because each time passes, it will be time when she is in pain, regardless she is angry, sad, or upset. It is better for us to be present for each other and deal with our insecurities together, rather than feeling alone in pain and drained from our insecurities.
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Iām thankful that my wife has full trust in me when I told her that Iāll be better. I feel what gratitude feels like when my apology was not only heard but truly felt and embraced. I could truly see it in her eyes, I can heal her heart twice more than how much Iāve caused her pain. Itās these small moments of emotion that are in motion where we grow. Itās this lived experience that allowed me to appreciate that the mental framework Iāve been working on for my app works.
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And this year onward is about forgiveness because my app was supposed to be a service to a younger version of me. So that he doesnāt get lost and have strong mental health to not only survive as who he is but to really live to the fullest and unlock his potential. So, in a sense, this step forward is to forgive myself that Iām not doing it for my past self, but for my future self. Iām not giving a safety rope, but Iām building a bridge. Iām not asking for what could have but what it could be. And Iām sorry, Thomi, and thank you for being brave. Again and again with your instinct, your pain, and your heart. Your tears right now, are in motion.
I am in utter joy and beauty to be able to tear up while writing. This essay is written from the heart and brings me a huge sense of accomplishment to express it. We all have our pain from the many losses we experience. Mine was a loss of identity and a loss of hope.
I want to invite others to be āin motionā with themselves and their story. Make this year, a chapter where that small step forward is all that you need to be in the direction you want to be.
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